A long, boring post about my week . . . mixed with some hard stuff too.

So this week has been a crazy, hectic, and very tough one. Sometimes it is amazing when you look back and see all you do/accomplish/survive/etc.

I stayed home from church today because I was sick. It started yesterday afternoon on the boat, and just got worse. I don't know what it is - maybe just extreme mental and emotional and physical fatigue? Too many nights on 4 hours of sleep? Or the flu. Who knows? All I know is I came home and went to bed at 8 p.m. didn't wake up until 6:30 am, still feeling super tired and yucky. I got breakfast made, the kids ready for church, and sent them off and went back to bed. I was OUT the whole 3 hour block. Lane came in to check on me, and I turned over, looked at the clock and about died I couldn't believe I had been asleep so long! But, the good news is, I am feeling human again, and should be ready to face the week.

Back to this week:

Monday started out normal for me. Taught cycle at 5:15 a.m. - then drove to the pool to swim some laps for my triathlon training. (Which AGAIN I was helped by a nice man swimming in the pool next to me - offering tips and advice to be a better swimmer. Really?? I thought I was improving! help!!!)

Got home in time to get the kids ready and out the door to school. Then went and taught my Pilates class. Then we headed to downtown Mesa with my friend to look at a piano she wants to buy. I gave it my approval, and we hit Sweetcakes on the way home where I treated myself to one of their delicious sugar cookies! I'm sure I spent the rest of the day cleaning, organizing and making my home a heaven on earth. Ha!

Monday afternoon we had a doctor's appointment to see the results of Lane's scans. I was on the phone with a potential renter for our Glendale house, trying to finally get someone in there. It has been empty for 2 months! We've owned it for 17 years, and this is the first time it has been empty! Frustrating! But I guess when you own 4 houses, once in a while you are going to have one empty, and if one is empty I want it to be this one because it is the cheapest payement! But - I digress - it's just one of the many stresses of life right now.

We go in to meet with the doctor. It is a new doctor because our last doctor moved back to Chicago to be by his family. So we sit down with Dr. B, who is very quiet and looks to be a seasoned veteran in this cancer business. He also seems a little bit uncomfortable to me. He has a mustache that he plays with and pulls at the whole time we are talking. He gets a little of Lane's background (shouldn't that all be on his computer in front of him?) and makes some notes about the treatments we've done thus far. Lane finally says, "Come on Doc, tell us the results, we are going crazy!" He then says, "What? We have scan results? Oh yes, I guess they are here. Let's see. Hmm.... I'm just gonna go ahead and read word for word what it is saying right here."

Stomach drops. Not a good sign.

"alksjdfsoiuetnh;la dboisuo;tarhl al - that's what it sounded like, but translated means basically your cancer is growing again, and has spread from the right groin area to the left groin area as well."

I reach for Lane's hand, and am scared to look at him. This is not at all what we were expecting. We were hoping for a few years remission after the chemo. We got 10 months.

The next obvious question is "What do we do now?" Well, we need to try a different attack, because his cells are resisting the chemo and Rituxan we've been using. We need to try a different drug that is based on a different chemical? I don't know, it is all Greek to me. Our doctor was going to conference with his friend Dr. M in Tucson at the U of A Cancer Center, and Dr. Kwak in Houston at MD Anderson. He wanted to see what they would say, and he would get back to us.

So now you wait, and try to process the news, and try to figure out what in the heck you are supposed to think and feel. This is the part that really sucks for both of us. I don't know what to do or say. I feel so guilty that I am healthy and he isn't. (Although he feels just fine!) What am I supposed to do?

Lane doesn't like to talk about it, and certainly doesn't like the attention he gets from people feeling so sorry for him. I have to talk about it, so I tell my friends, etc., he doesn't tell his friends anything - even when they ask he tells them he's fine. ugh. So, I won't talk about what he says or feels because I know he is private and doesn't like that. I'll just tell how I feel!

So we go home, and pretend everything is OK, and have to go on with life. Tuesday morning I go for an early morning run. It is hot and muggy - I can't wait for this summer to be over! I get kids off to school - including Addison :) and go teach my 2 1/2 classes. Pick up Addi, get home to shower, put her down for a nap (which she doesn't take) and piano students start showing up from 3 til 6. A tired, whiny Addi hanging on you doesn't help the stress level of a mom teaching piano.

Tuesday night all of Lane's brothers and sisters and his parents came over and brought dinner. They wanted to be together and show support to Lane and I. You just feel so helpless. We can't do anything, but want to be able to do everything. His family is so good and such a support for him and us.

Wednesday was another crazy day of racing from here to there. I like to be busy - keeps my mind off of stuff I don't want to think about. Swimming, teaching a class, getting stuff for my friend for her birthday, teaching piano all afternoon, stressing about how to get my kids to soccer practice while I am teaching, then finishing teaching at 5:30, racing to the gym to teach a cycle class at 6, then home at 7:15 to realize it was Curriculum night at the school. Lane is gone for an MRI, Kayla is at Young Women's, so me and Addi grab her schedule and head to the school to meet Kayla's teachers. I am in workout clothes and am pretty sure I smell as bad as my brother and his friends did in the car after basketball practice! :) yuck!

Addi helped make a great impression on Kayla's teachers, so that was good. Ha! I got home at 8:30 in time to put everyone to bed, shower, watch Castle with Kayla and hit the hay. Whew - that was a little busier than I like to be.

Thursday was errands, the temple with Lane, and taking Addi to meet with a Pediatric Surgeon. She has a herniated belly button that hasn't gone away. We thought we'd have to do surgery. The surgeon said it still has a less than 50% chance of closing up itself. So we'll have to decide about that one. That was the first afternoon this week I had time to put my house in order and create that ever elusive "heavenly home" I'm going for. Just FYI - it is still elusive.

Friday morning I teach at 5:45 step - then go home and get the kids to school. 8:30 is step, cycle and sculpt, then 9;30 is a back to basics aerobics class. All these are at the Rec Center. I have taught there for 6 years and really love it. I have had times where I was going to quit and only teach at other gyms, but I can't imagine leaving there, I love it and the people too much. I finished that, then dropped Addi off with grandma, and enjoyed a nice lunch with a bunch of old friends at Crackers and Co. Man I love that place! It was so good to see all my friends. Some I haven't seen for months!

We got a call Friday to let us know the first step of our next cancer steps. They want us to store some of Lane's bone marrow because it is healthy right now. So, we'll go somewhere to get that done, and it looks like we may be trying a clinical trial at the U of A in Tucson next. Not sure on that one, so I'll keep everyone posted on that.

Friday night Lane and I met up with some of his high school friends at The Monastery. It is a restaurant/bar where you cook your own burgers on the grill and enjoy hanging out outside. They have volleyball pits, horseshoes, pool table, ping-pong, and live music. We were there for the music. Lane's friend is a drummer in a band called Take Cover. His other friend is the bass guitarist. They were really good! It was so fun to go and hear them and talk with other friends.

We got home way too late and I got to bed about 1 a.m. and up at 5 because I was going riding with my friends at 5:30. We rode out to the Saguaro Lake Marina and back. It is 32 miles. Fried legs. Then I was supposed to walk for an hour after, but I only had 2o mins. because I told my friend I'd teach her muscle class for her. So I went to Mountainside and taught a body sculpting class (super fun!), came home and got everyone ready to go to the lake with our friends.

I guess that's where the tiredness and sickness hit. I started not feeling so well around 4:30. We got off the boat at 6:30 and headed home. I was asleep by 8, and there I am at the beginning of this post!

So, I know it has been very boring, and if you made it this far, you deserve an award of some sort.

All I know is I can make it through this with my workout therapy, and chocolate. That's what I need . . . a little smooth, silky dark chocolate a few times a week can fix everything, right?